These nights

These nights are…

when I miss you the most. Often times, I like to pride myself on moving on and forgetting all about you. But how can I? You were more to me than you’ll ever know. I can still hear your voice as you told me my first blog post (which I was so proud of, it was alwyas your thing) was “ok” and had a lot of errors in it.

These nights are…

when I’m fighting this battle alone. You were my back up. You were my partner in crime. You were my heavy artillery. Now I’m on this battlefield alone, and as an update, I’m not winning. You knew this. You knew I couldn’t fight it alone. You didn’t want to let me. You stood up for me when no one else would and standing up for myself did more harm than good. You knew I was fighting this, and you left anyways. When I needed you most. If you stuck it out you knew I’d be better. Yet you left. Why?

These nights are…

when I think about how you were there for me. How you promised you always would be. You were a man of his word, and this is the promise you choose to break? How could you? I think about how you used to make me happy. My light at the end of this cold dark tunnel. I was changing for you. Working on myself for you. Us. I think about how I used to make you so happy. Seeing yous still makes my day, but I feel when you see me, i worsen yours. How did things change so drastically instantaneously?

These nights are…

when I pray for what we had. I miss you. I fucking miss you. You don’t miss me. That drives the knife deeper, and let me tell you Sweetheart, it’s pretty damn deep. I look at you and sometimes I hate you. Just for a moment. Hate is a strong word. So is love. Never in my life did I think I’d feel both for you. But I do. You’ll never stumble across this. You don’t need to. You know exactly how I feel about you. Good. I hope that sticks with you.

These nights are…

when I break down. For me. For you. For us. And when I regret it later because I know you didn’t care.

This night… I miss you more than you’ll ever know, and more than I ever have.

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Untitled…Unfeeling…Raw

     Untitiled feels appropriate because how can you put a title on something when you’re not even sure of how you feel. It’s just one of those play every sad song on your ipod moments while you cry your heart out over some thing that happened one day and now its finally hitting you. Although that last part is kind of false. I know why I’m not feeling on top of the world. Have you ever felt like you had everything figured out only to be knocked completelty on your feet? Yeah, me too. And I’m still trying to pull myself out from the dirt. Sometimes it is easier to just sit there and let everything else run over you. Sometimes it is easier to get up and fight. I’m having one of those sit there moments. As the old saying goes, Misery loves company. Not this girl. She’s flying solo like it or not. And that is part of the problem. I’m not saying I need a relationship, but I need someone. I’m on a campus with 1,500 people, and I don’t feel like I belong with anyone here. 1,500 people, and I don’t belong with a single one. Sometimes I don’t belive I belong anywhere. What is exsiting anyways? How many times do you have to break to know your alive? Apparently a lot. I think the worst part of it all is that I can’t really express how I feel. People expect too much of me. I am student, friend, daughter, and Resident Assistant. I have too many important titles to break down as much as I do. It’s all done in secret. The thing was I used to be happy…I used to be happy…