These nights

These nights are…

when I miss you the most. Often times, I like to pride myself on moving on and forgetting all about you. But how can I? You were more to me than you’ll ever know. I can still hear your voice as you told me my first blog post (which I was so proud of, it was alwyas your thing) was “ok” and had a lot of errors in it.

These nights are…

when I’m fighting this battle alone. You were my back up. You were my partner in crime. You were my heavy artillery. Now I’m on this battlefield alone, and as an update, I’m not winning. You knew this. You knew I couldn’t fight it alone. You didn’t want to let me. You stood up for me when no one else would and standing up for myself did more harm than good. You knew I was fighting this, and you left anyways. When I needed you most. If you stuck it out you knew I’d be better. Yet you left. Why?

These nights are…

when I think about how you were there for me. How you promised you always would be. You were a man of his word, and this is the promise you choose to break? How could you? I think about how you used to make me happy. My light at the end of this cold dark tunnel. I was changing for you. Working on myself for you. Us. I think about how I used to make you so happy. Seeing yous still makes my day, but I feel when you see me, i worsen yours. How did things change so drastically instantaneously?

These nights are…

when I pray for what we had. I miss you. I fucking miss you. You don’t miss me. That drives the knife deeper, and let me tell you Sweetheart, it’s pretty damn deep. I look at you and sometimes I hate you. Just for a moment. Hate is a strong word. So is love. Never in my life did I think I’d feel both for you. But I do. You’ll never stumble across this. You don’t need to. You know exactly how I feel about you. Good. I hope that sticks with you.

These nights are…

when I break down. For me. For you. For us. And when I regret it later because I know you didn’t care.

This night… I miss you more than you’ll ever know, and more than I ever have.

Untitled…Unfeeling…Raw

     Untitiled feels appropriate because how can you put a title on something when you’re not even sure of how you feel. It’s just one of those play every sad song on your ipod moments while you cry your heart out over some thing that happened one day and now its finally hitting you. Although that last part is kind of false. I know why I’m not feeling on top of the world. Have you ever felt like you had everything figured out only to be knocked completelty on your feet? Yeah, me too. And I’m still trying to pull myself out from the dirt. Sometimes it is easier to just sit there and let everything else run over you. Sometimes it is easier to get up and fight. I’m having one of those sit there moments. As the old saying goes, Misery loves company. Not this girl. She’s flying solo like it or not. And that is part of the problem. I’m not saying I need a relationship, but I need someone. I’m on a campus with 1,500 people, and I don’t feel like I belong with anyone here. 1,500 people, and I don’t belong with a single one. Sometimes I don’t belive I belong anywhere. What is exsiting anyways? How many times do you have to break to know your alive? Apparently a lot. I think the worst part of it all is that I can’t really express how I feel. People expect too much of me. I am student, friend, daughter, and Resident Assistant. I have too many important titles to break down as much as I do. It’s all done in secret. The thing was I used to be happy…I used to be happy…

Hello again

As the date indicates, it’s been almost a year since I’ve posted. My 19th birthday is quickly approaching and it has me reflecting back on the past year. I’ve thought about deleting my last post, but what’s the point. You live and you learn and you grow, and damn did I do a lot of that in the past year. This ride has so many ups and downs, and I’m not really sure what to make of it. And honestly I’m not sure any of us know what to make of it. I was naive. I was 18 and I thought I had it all figured out. Well I’m telling you now at almost 19 my life decided to prove me dead wrong.

I figure I should justify myself as not being a whiny teenager. But why bother? I don’t acutally think anyone is reading this. Lost in cyber-space, just like that. I’d be lying if I told you that my life is just peachy. It’s not, but no one’s ever is. But I don’t believe this “grass is greener on the other side shit”. It’s not. Because like it or not, no one does your life better than you. Oh and belive me, people have tried to tell me they could do it better. I’ve had a lot of shit happen to me between a year, and I’m sure for you too. Truth is, I don’t have it all figured out. In fact I have nothing figured out. Not a damn thing. Now I’m just a student trying to make my way through life….trying to do the best I can….

 

18 Years

Since today is the day after my 18th birthday I thought I would use this post to reflect on some of  the lessons I’ve learned and the things I’ve realized in the past 18 years.

1.) Education is a wonderful thing.

I love to learn. It has been one of my personality traits all my life to be naturally curious and I never realized how beneficial to me that would be until it really counted. I was lucky school was never hard for me and now I can look back on my first 12 years of schooling and appreciate how far I came and how well I did. And with this appreciation, I am going whole heartedly into my college education to make the best of my life, if not for the fact of having a career, but for an abundant array of knowledge. I will never stop learning and seeking out education.

2.) Perseverance

Yes, I’ve certainly gotten myself into trouble with this. However, I learned that this can be used positively if channeled in the right way. Again, this was one of my strongest personality traits which I often used in the wrong situations. Growing up, I’ve learned that it was this that will make my dreams and goals possible. Without it, there merely only some very nice ideas. I will never give up on making my dreams a reality.

3.) Things fall apart so better things can come together.

As much as it hurt learning this lesson several times, I have to say its held true. Everything in my life that was the hardest to deal with had some sort of possitive effect. Sometimes the effect wasn’t always immediate or I just couldn’t see it. But I believe things happen for a reason become of this. What ever the effect or skill I learned has been for the better and has made me who I am today. Live and learn. I will always look for the positive in every situation.

4.) Some people will love to see you fail: so be it. Keep trying.

I am going to fail at some things in life and there might be someone on the sideline cheering on my faliure. The trick is here is I won’t let them discourage me. I’ve learned to ignore the voices that say “You can’t…” and “You wont…”. They have no meaning in life. Anything can be done with time, passion, education, and dedication. When you listen to the people trying to encourage your faliure, that is when you truly fail. I will always keep trying, no matter what anyone says.

5.)  Don’t let your pride get in the way of asking for help.

I learned that there are some things I can’t handle on my own and I need to ask for help. As much as I’d like to think I’m superwoman and would like to be able to do it all, the reality of it is I can’t. I learned the hard way that trying to figure things out on my own that are beyond me is counterproductive. Also, internalizing problems does not solve them, it only escalated them. And sometimes preserving your pride is not worth the aggrivation or pain. It isn’t admitting defeat, if anything it shows strength. It shows strength because you can admit when something is beyond you and when you need outside help. I will always ask for help if I need it.

6.) Sometimes the people you thought who would never let you down, do.

It’s a sad thing to know you can’t rely on people you should be able to. Just another demoonstration about how life isn’t always fair. The thing you can learn from this is just to realize people are flawed. They’re going to let you down at some point, and you’ll let people down as well. Accept it and move on. I will always be realistic in my expectations of other people.

7.) Never let other people tell you who you are.

During middle school (it’s the black hole of life, no one had a good middle school experience. If you say you did you’re lying!) I made the mistake of letting other people’s thoughts of me become my own. This is a mistake I carried with me for years. Now that I’ve gotten over it and have learned to accept myself for who I truly am, not for who they said I was, it is something I regret letting happen. I regret letting them getting the best of me and then carrying that with me for 4+ years. I will love myself for who I am. 

While these aren’t the only lessons I’ve learned, they’re certainly some of the biggest. Here’s to starting my 18th year of life off right…

Peace, Love, and Happiness,

Autumn